Sunday, September 30, 2007

We Have a Winner!

Results are in on the Ridiculous New Baby Names poll! The big winners were--

If we combine the "best" of these with the winners of our Offensive Baby Name poll from last week, we can create some real special new monikers. For example,

Algebra Eighmee
Jordyn Element
Emmaleigh Panda

Badger Jaxxon
Trucker Oakleigh
Kentucky Jagger

This is some good work, people. Thanks for your efforts.

Now on to the mission field. You need to start trying to pass these off as legitimate names. Don't do it to real people you know, for goodness sake. The Dada Drummer doesn't advocate terrorism. I'm thinking more along the lines of some well placed on-line postings. Go!

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Have you heard? I'm opening at the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art!

You're all invited!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Book Banning!

The American Libraries Association has designated next week as Banned Books Week!

In fact, "banned" books in the US today actually mans "challenged" books. That is, books that some right thinking citizen felt were so offensive, dangerous, and/or evil that they ought to be removed from libraries. You know, to protect the kids.

Well, I say good for them! Someone's got to have standards.

So I've decided I'm PRO book banning!

And to celebrate banned books week, I have come up with a short list of books I would like to see banned:

Titanic: James Cameron’s Illustrated Screenplay by James Cameron
Left Behind Series by Tim F. LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins
Your Best Life Now! by Joel Osteen
The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Shamoon and Fein
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter
God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens
See I Told You So by Rush Limbaugh

It's not much, I know, but its a start. Feel free to suggest other bannable titles. Maybe we can get together and have a bbq.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

A Martyr's Work is Never Done

To those two or three people out there who have checked this blog in the last week, I apologize for returing your kind interest with my silence. I have been busy slaying dragons--tiring work and rather messy.

But I have encountered several names since we last spoke. Special thanks, by the way, to the reader who called me (don't ask how) to report the sighting of a badly spelled name. It was Kodi. For a girl. Sigh.

Here are the two most notable name discoveries:

No. It's not what you think. This is a baby name. The Dada Drummer heard from a neighbor of the impending arrival in her family of a new baby who will be named, that's right, Canada. It's a boy, if that matters. This choice, based I am told on the fact that little Canada's grandfather was born in the North Country, is participating in a baby trend of place names. Nursery school rosters around the USA include names like Boston, Paris, Brooklyn, China, Africa, Indiana, and Montana.

Considering the popularity of this trend and the apparent no-holds-barred attitude of Canada's parents, I would like to put forth some suggestions:

What do you think? I hesitate even to make jokes like this. They're probably on someone's short list somewhere.

The Dada Drummer knows a very nice young man who revealed the shocking information that his newly-born nephew has been named Fox. It's a memorable name, and has lots of character to be sure, but it strikes me as a lot to live up to. How can you be an insignificant Fox? Or a shy Fox? Or a geeky Fox? I hope Fox is a magnetic man when he grows up. And I hope he's not a redhead.

This name, inspired by the hero in X Files, is of the same trend as other "noun" baby names. Like Apple. I have some names that might be on the cutting edge of this fad:
Again, I worry that these might sound reasonable to some parents. Do you think its possible?

I have an idea, readers! Let's conduct a social experiment. I am going to visit the offensive baby naming forum which I've told you about and offer these names for discussion as if I plan to use them. We can see what response they get and, even more significantly, we can all try to see if they begin to show up on actual babies. You read it here first! If Tupelo, Circle, or Panda catch on it's all due to the FOXY actions of your Dada Drummer!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Baby Naming Forum

Gentle Readers,

The Dada Drummer is in danger of being tarred and feathered in another on-line community. I fear that the good people at the Baby Names Hold forum are not going to suffer my posts for too long.

Here's the latest.

What do you think of these name combos:
Milana Violet Pearl
Scarlett Eden Primrose

I think they sound like totally fake soap opera characters. Or, even worse, like ridiculous romance novel names. Baby naming doesn't have to be about you showing how cute or artistic you can be. "Unique" naming does not make your child a happier, more well-adjusted, or more successful human being. Good parenting does that. Being overly precious in your baby name choice just makes YOU feel special. It's selfish. Give the child a break. Let them be a person. Give them a solid name rather than your outdated creative writing project.

What do you think? Is it too much? I had written a much harsher comment originally but edited it before posting because, well, I didn't want to make Jesus sad. I really like Him.

From the Mouth of Babes

A little eight-year old boy I know got on the subject of Sesame Street's Elmo during a conversation we had today.

"I don't understand," said the curious boy. "Why does Elmo always speak in the third person? Is so that little kids will understand? It's a bad idea really. Because it teaches all the wrong things."

Correct grammar terminology and social criticism all rolled up into one sage observation! The Dada Drummer has never been prouder.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Hell is Other People's Bad Baby Names

Oh. Dear. The Dada Drummer discovered an on-line forum for people who want to discuss the unusual spellings they're thinking of/have used for their babies. This made the Dada Drummer's blood pressure go up. Below you can see some gems from the forum along with my useful responses.


My son just named his baby girl Peytonn. It's cute with two N's.

No. It’s not. It’s stupid. With two N’s.



Wht t-he h’ell are yo talKing bo/ut?

“Cute Baby Names”
I want to name my kids Brayden / Braedyn / and Brylee/Brileigh / Bryleigh / So many ways to spell them.

That's what you want to do. Interesting. Well, I want to smack you for having rotten taste in baby names. But I’m going to refrain. Why don’t you do the same?

“help with boy name”
We have 2 names for a boy picked out but are unsure of how to spell them.
Rese/Reese Benjamin
Rhen/Wren Robert
For a girl we have Bryn Elainna picked out.

You don’t spell them either way. Because you don’t use them. Because they’re stupid.

“is this too long of a name?”
I love the name Emiliana, which is long enough as it is, but I like it spelled as Emmaleighyanna, too long?

Oh, sweet heavenly Jesus, yes.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Preoccupations of The Enemy

You know how certain Fundamentalists refer to the devil as The Enemy in a sort of "He Who Must Not Be Named" way? While the Dada Drummer is no fan of the dark lord--Lucifer not Valdemort that is--this posting is about a different Enemy. Yes. You guessed it. Stupidity.

Stupidity wants you to be consumed with pointless preoccupations. Stupidity wants you to care about Lindsay Lohan's career. Stupidity wants to eat your soul.

This Enemy has many dark tools, among them People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, MTV, and Yahoo News. These are the pulpits of Stupid Preoccupations.

Examples? Oh, I have examples:

"Brad says he and Angelina ready for baby #5!"
"Zoo sells guerrilla's art on e-bay!"
"Fall fashions to be more tailored, boy-inspired!"
"Britney was bad at VMAs, yes, but fat?"
"David Letterman is finally on Oprah!"
"Star Jones leaves The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell joins The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell pisses of The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell leaves The View!"
"Whoopie Goldberg joins The View!"
"Steve Jobs apologizes for I-phone price cut!"
"California carpenter OK'd by Judge to work in the nude!"

Gentle readers--these are not current events. They are not social issues. They are not news.

Their appearance on a media outlet is illustrative of the need to fill programming hours. It is not an sign of importance.

I don't want you listening to or watching this crap. Change the channel. Turn off the radio. Burn that US Weekly magazine and, for heaven's sake, cancel your subscription.

Because every time you worry if Jennifer Aniston misses Brad Pitt or wonder if K-Fed is taking good care of those two boys, the Enemy has already won.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Stupid Movies

The Dada Drummer needs you to clean out your DVD collection, purging it of egregiously stupid movies. The fact that you "like it" is really unacceptable. Stupid is evil. And evil often uses benign likability to sneak in. Don't fall for it.

Patch Adams
Mission to Mars
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Pearl Harbor
The Day After Tomorrow
Pretty Woman
Forrest Gump
Air Force One
Dante's Peak
Red Dawn
Saving Private Ryan
What Lies Beneath
Scent of a Woman

This list is not exhaustive. I will continue to add to it so that you can be vigilent in your personal fight against stupid. But don't wait. Go. Start purging.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Hypochondria Hates a Vaccuum

The Dada Drummer has a best friend named Special K. He is generally awesome. His only flaw (ahem) is a touch of hypochondria.

Recently, Special K agreed to have a colonoscopy for a routine screening. Even though he had no symptoms of illness, the looming reality of the procedure made Special K FREAK OUT. His biggest fear, next to any needles that might be involved, was that they would discover that he is secretly and asymptomatically "riddled with colon cancer." His words.

Well, gentle reader, Special K had his colonoscopy. Endured the needles. And got a 100% clean bill of health. His colon is a happy, disease free place. No problems at all.

Special K's response to this good news?

"Great. I probably have prostate cancer."

Friday, September 7, 2007

It's a Stupid Thing!

You know how Martha Stewart points out simple pleasures and elegant solutions, and then slyly smiles at her tv viewing public and tells us, "It's a good thing."

This is kind of like that. Only not.

These are small things which may seem insignificant but which are stupid and, when accumulated, can lead to Evil.

So if you recognize your life anywhere on this list, take heed. And stop.

*reading the LEFT BEHIND series
*walking your dog in a doggy stroller
*putting on make up while driving a car
*not voting in presidential elections
*believieng in raw food only dog diets
*owning a Hummer
* wearing your telephone as an earpiece
*eating Spam
* putting on make up while driving your Hummer
*believing in raw food only human diets
*eating Wonder Bread
*chewing gum while taking communion at church
*trusting Fox news
*watching The Bachelor
*drinking soda with breakfast
*reading the LEFT BEHIND series while driving your Hummer

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Here are names you can use.

Has the Dada Drummer made you feel sad about your favorite of favorites baby name? Were you really thinking of calling the little darling Cadence Brock?

To make it up to you, I will now provide a list of delightful naming options. There's something here for everyone, folks. Look around. Try a few on.



You feel better? Good! You can thank me later.

I know your child will.

Stupid Baby Names

Listen, I don't want to be mean but a few of you out there are giving your kids stupid names. Really.

Some of your friends aren't telling you this because they, like me, are too sweet to insult new parents who are already suffering from sleep deprivation and the looming debt of child rearing.

Others aren't telling you this because, well, their taste is as bad as yours.

But someone has got to speak up. Looks like its me.

As of today, the following names should be considered off-limits to anyone other than soap opera screen writers.

Brooklyn (or Brooke-lynn or Brooklinn or Brooke Lyn)
Jaden (or Jadan or Jad'n)
Mackenzie (no matter how you spell it)

This list is non-negotiable. Sorry.

It's about time

Let's get this straight. I have a lot of ideas. And I'm not saying they are absolutely right, but I am pretty sure they're close.

I have ideas about what ridiculous names people need to stop giving to their babies.

I have ideas about what movies are stupid.

I have ideas about what TV shows are overrated.

I have ideas about bad parenting choices.

I have ideas about art, education, global economics, and the media.

I have a lot of ideas about God.

It's difficult for a person with so many ideas about so many things to find a means of expression which is neither belligerent nor cruel. And that matters. Because, the other thing you need to know about me is that I am sweet. Damn sweet.

So don't get your feelings hurt.

But I really need you to sit down. Shut up. And listen. This is for your own good.