Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Baby Girl December 12
Mother is a tenure-track academic at Wanna-B-Ivy-League U. She teaches pop culture studies and has research specialties in Quintin Tarantino films and Manga. Dad is a university adjunct at two community colleges. He teaches 15 sections of freshman composition. He is ABD from the English department at Large Research State U. His nearly completed dissertation is "Reading Mr. Wright: Semiotics and Contemporary American "Chick Lit."This is their first child and they are planning a water birth.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I have decided to take up your challenging invitation to suggest a name for iplawkid's kid sister (Gentle Readers: iplawguy's firstborn "iplawkid" is also known as Mamie.) Now I could, of course, just churn out a baker's dozen of stupid names for you. Stupid tyrndee names like Jayden, Reighlee, Miley, and Brooklyn. Stupid novelty names like Lyric, Ephiphany, Poet, and Indiana. Stupid frilly flowery sugary names like Magnolia, Scarlette, Fleur, Cosmina, and Velvet. But instead I decided to give you a list of TEN genuine recommendations based on the style of your choice for iplawkid's name...and guided by my own unquestionable taste. So these are names I actually LIKE. And that's really saying something! Ready? Here they are in alphabetical order:
Now just pick one! Or two if you want a middle name! Or THREE if you want a hyphen thrown in there somewhere (Charlotte Alice-Rose???). Either that or just name her Oona Hadley! :)
That being said, I really, really, really, REALLY hope that the person who made the following post on Baby Name Wizard website is kididing. I need her to be--like me--feigning interest in a fake stupid name in order to make a point about real stupid names. Because if this is a sincere post, then we're all doomed as a culture.
"I love the name Drama for a girl. I don't have any children yet but, my first girl is going to be named Drama or I also like the name Kira."
The Dada Dummer is feeling light-headed.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Baby Girl December 5
It's time for our Celebrity Edition of the game, friends! This week's lucky young maiden is America's Mother of the Year--BRITNEY SPEARS! According to Entertainment Tonight and other reputable media outlets, our favorite Louisiana Trailer Trash is pregnant again. Dad's identity? Some one less famous! Let's help young Ms. Spears with some helpful Baby Name suggestions. She's looking for a classy and unique three part name--something that expresses old fashioned femininity but also has a rock and roll edge. Go!
"Creative Spelling and Unique Baby Boy Names""Many parents are looking for a creative way to spell their favorite baby name or a unique name for their baby that will help them stand out as an individual. Our list includes both unique names and popular names with a spelling twist."
Well, good for you.
But by putting your creative writing out there, you're really just asking for someone to offer back some literary criticism. And I'm just the Drummer for that job!
The Prize for the Most Egregious Name Recently Seen on a "kid pride" Sticker on the Back of an SUV:
The Prize for the Most Precious/Trendee Name Heard Called Repeatedly in front of Little League Parents:
The Prize for Most Ridiculous Spelling Seen on on a "kid pride" Sticker on the Back of an SUV:
Just Plain Annoying Name that I Need To Share:
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Dada Drummer's patron saint is Rose of Lima--a martyr like yourself (if you see her, please say hi for me!) but I have lit a candle for you every week since that time you helped me remember a good joke at a dinner party. St. Anthony may be great for finding keys and mittens, but I swear by St. Antic for lost punch lines! Literally. I learned your usefulness in this area from my dear Grandpa. I can still hear him: "St. Antic, St. Antic, please help me honey. The pressure is on and I need to be funny." Anyway, thanks again. You're a peach.
And thanks for your enlightening musings on modern American culture, movies, and books. I didn't even know you read English! I am particularly encouraged, St. Antic, by your reminder of our collective sins of Consumerism and selfishness. Truly this is the most anti-Kingdom force in our country. It's may not be as flashy as sexual sinfulness but its a heck of a lot more insidious. We are well-served to remember that Evil gets to do its most damaging work when we invite it in willingly into our homes. Kind of like vampires. The Evil that we argue with and challenge is EXPOSED and therefore more vulnerable. Debate! Discuss! Wrestle! The Light of God is more powerful than any darkness we find in our adventures. That Light gives us the strength to be brave and engaging. Truth is Truth. Talking about Error won't make us blind.
The really scary stuff is what we let in the back door when we think God isn't around, the behavior and attitudes we are self-deceptive about, the places where we hide our lights in bushels, the times we lie to the world about ourselves and God, the people we ignore out of convenience. You know the words, St. Antic: "I confess to Almighty God, and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault. In my thoughts and in my deeds, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do."Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for the heads up on that chicken bone at St. Langdon's. Don't I feel silly now!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The event will run long this time to compensate for my lousy timing. We won't close the book until Thursday night.
This week we have a lovely couple expecting their second child. Let's help them find the hippest, trendiest, most awesome name ever!!
Baby Girl November 28
Mom is a former Dillard's cosmetics department manager who now stays at home with the kids and sells Avon on the side. Her interests include doll collecting, beading, and "Dancing with the Stars."
Dad teaches ballet, tap, and jazz at his dance studio "Fabulous Feet." He is also active as a cub scout leader for their son's Tiger Cub den. The Big Brother to be is named Hayden-Michael Jerome
Now NAME THAT BABY!!
Sorry for my absence of late, gentle readers. I have been preparing for a trip to dark and scary Terra Incognita--also known as Tenureland. I had to spend many sleepless days packing my bags for the journey--filling them with safari equipment and travelogues I've collected for the last several years. The departure was yesterday morning and now I'm on a long, slow boat. Frankly, it makes me pretty nauseus.
Hopefully, I will disembark at Tenureland in a few weeks time. There is always the fearful possibility that mysterious winds might blow me off course to other territories--undiscovered countries from whose bourne no traveler returns...for longer than a year.
But there's wind in my sails now and I feel hopeful. Wish me good and safe waters, friends!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Those of you who know the unmasked Dada Drummer probably played this game last Spring to help name the Dada Puppy. There was some good work done there! Now apply your genius to this problem:
TYDWBLEACH: "Got a dog, her name is LADY we hate this name. Need a name that sort of sounds like it. So far have come up with Baby, Lanie, AMY, GRACIE, SADIE,BAILEY so many lame others. Ususally since Bill makes guitars we name dogs after music things... Like Boogie, Banjo and Riley (BB Kings real name). KATIE is another one we thought of.... So far I like GRACIE the best Bill says NOT FOR A DOG. Well, he is calling her AMY and I say NOT FOR A DOG we need a name with a LONG A sound."
Now right off the bat, I have to say that GRACIE is off the dog name list. Because I dislike it? No! Because it is the name of Dada Drummer's favorite 14 year old girl. Out of respect for her, can't recommend that name for a dog.
Here is my first choice for you:
If the LONG A sound can be tossed out of criteria:
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
So if you must know, Mrs. CL was the clear winner last week. Come on, you knew that! She was brilliant. But I'll say it anyway.
And because we're not supposed heap praise on any one person for fear of demoralizing the others (thanks I'M OK YOU'RE OK!) I guess I shouldn't say that her Wynstyn Earnhart was my favorite this week for its brilliant double signification of Earn as in $ and Earn as in Dale (thanks, NASCAR!) .
And I can't say that I liked danbuck's Lowy Pricelynd because he already got a university grad student paper award this week and I can't abide his head swelling.
And I guess I can't express my delight in the syllabic nonesense of Shannon's entry Crafton Alabamah. Nor can I reward her uncanny understanding that this couple was, in fact,not only from Alabama but also hardcore fans of the eponymous country music group.
Maybe next week some of you could suck at this more and make it easier. Work on that.
Sadly, anonymous's choice of Landynn Laird is disqualified because that is so obviously a girls's name. And anonymous's second choice of Mullet Head lacks the requisite extra syllables and excessive letters "y" and "h". Perhaps if you'd cree-ative-leigh spelled it as "Muh'lette Heyde" I could have choosen it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Baby Boy November 14
Mom is Wal-Mart Christmas department floor manager. Dad cuts hair in the Wal-Mart style shop.
Name should coordinate with existing siblings: big brother Braedin Logan and twin sisters Mack'ynzee Briannah and Mack'kaylee Savannah.
Baby is due Thanksgiving Friday....so get busy!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
The first present goes out to Unexposed Granite. Why? Because he asked for it.
Here are your t-shirts. Both size large.Enjoy.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. & Jr.
the Indigo Girls
The L-Word 3rd Season DVD Pack
Marquis de Sade PJs
Nine Tails, cat of
Oscar de la Renta
Tales of the City DVD Collectors Edition
Warren, Leslie Ann
Xena, Warrior Princess
and Zero Mostel
Monday, November 5, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
an underwear model
a vasectomy scar
an androgynous boy
a ballistics text
the Frugal Gourmet
and a kite
Monastique Frances Willard Hefeweizen.
Cheers! The Dada Drummer is pleased! Your prize is a copy of Luther's "Small Catechism"--you can buy yourself one at http://www.augsburgfortress.com/. You're welcome.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Forget ghosts and goblins! Forget Frankenstein's monster and Count Dracula! CNN is carrying the scariest freakin' story this Halloween:
If you are unfamiliar with this, please check out http://www.twth.org/. Not for too long, though. Please.
I think the most terrifying line from that CNN article is "Now Kennedy uses 'The Way to Happiness' as a how-to supplement to his sermons. He believes it is easier to understand and clearer to follow than ancient Scriptures taken from the Bible."
WTF Pastor Kennedy? On this Reformation Day I have to point out that it's the job of well-educated preachers to put the Scripture in people's hands and teach them the difference between law and Gospel. The church should encourage people in a community of faith and help them illuminate Scripture with the aid of history, sacred tradition, and the Holy Spirit.
Most things are easier to follow than ancient Scripture! Is that suddenly a good measure of the theological worthiness of a text? Dr. Phil is pretty damn clear, should we just use his books?
Hell, no! To paraphrase Pastor Luther: Word Alone. Faith Alone. Grace Alone. No L. Ron Hubbard at all.
Hey! I have an idea! You want The Way to Happiness? Try this ancient text:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Baby Girl, October 31
Daddy is a loud-mouthed former monk who likes writing hymns, teaching, and night travel.
Mommy is a high-minded, good-natured, highly-spiritual, stay-at-home mom. Loves cooking traditional German food.
Wie heisen sie? Sagen Sie mir!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Dada Drummer has been very busy the last 24 hours preparing for a festival of drumming at her place of work, but seing all these names come in has provided much needed entertainment!
I enjoyed the Medieval ring of the Spanish Medievalist's suggestion: Odgarvaldo Hringzithoff Grindelwald. I especially like that her nickname might be Odd.
I was fascinated that posters like the Medievalist opted for Daddy 1's last name while others used the name of Daddy 2. Osler's choice of Larceny Trimble Dumbledore revealed an admirable loyalty to Albus (D.A. member maybe?) and a penchant for word names from his line of business.
Then again, some of you refused to commit to either paternal family name. I enjoyed iplawguy's butch entry Gandalf for the little gal as well as Dan Buck's musically magical Bippitie Boppitae Bue. The Dada Drummr always appreciates good literary allusions.
That being said, I have to announce that fresh blood poster Mrs. CL has wone the name challenge of the week with her witty pop culture entry: Symantha Cebryna Stevens. I hapen to know for a fact that Albus and Gellert both love Bewitched (Nick at Night is EVERYWHERE!). In fact, last Halloween Dumbledore went as Uncle Arthur while Grindelwald did his life-of-the-party Endora routine. You should have been there!
Thanks for playing Tryndee Nayme Wednesday. Meet me here next Wednesday morning for more ridiculous fun!
P.S. If you don't know the meaning of the title on this blog, you'll have to either use an on-line HP spell dictionary or find Brittany H.!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Plus its has a very singable melody and you can dance to it. If you're a shaker.
How Firm a Foundation
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?
In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.
Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.
Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.
The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Meet "This is My Father's World"-- a candidate for the Green party of hymns and a really lovely American romantic poem.
This is my Father's world,It was written by a minister named Maltbie Babcock (there's a name for you!) and is said to have been inspired by his long runs through the countryside near Niagara Falls, New York. The story told of Rev. Babcock is that he would head out for his daily four-mile run by telling his secretary he was off to see his Father's world.
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres.
This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I would pick a winner but there are too many brilliant names to choose just one. If some of you were more stupid, this would be easier to judge. Alas.
Now watch this space next week for another round of TRYNDEE NAYME WEDNESDAY!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Here's the plan: I'll provide you with a gender and a profile of baby's parents. You invent the hippest, trendiest, hottttest name you can. And no need to worry about counting syllables or finding witty rhymes!
Ready? Here's your first project.
Baby Girl October 17
Mom loves small firearms and target shooting. Dad operates a successul car dealership. Both are GOP fund raisers by night.
Now show me what you got!
Monday, October 1, 2007
A little baby was being baptized (yes, that's right my Baptist and C of C friends, we do infant baptism!) and as part of the ceremony the congregatoin was declaring our communal faith with the Apostles creed. We say a creed every Sunday (again, shudders from some corners, I know!) but this time it has been written out in a different format in the worship bulletin in order to accomodate the ceremony.
But there was a typo.
It ought to have read:
"On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father,and he will come to judge the living and the dead."
But instead was written:
"On the third day he rose again;he ascended into heaven,he is seated at the right hand of the Father,and he will come to judge the living dead."
And everyone said it! I mean, we all know the creed. We could see that there was a problem. But because it was written in the bulletin, everyone just said it. Me included! "The living dead." And to be polite, no one even laughed out loud.
I have to say that it scared me. I don't know how to feel about our communal willingness to declare incorrect words in the creed. I mean, what if one Sunday our worship bulletin ended the Apostles creed with with the words:
"I believe in the Holy Spirit,the holy catholic Church,the communion of saints,the forgiveness of sins,the resurrection of the body, the unquestioned diety of our pastor Paul, the principle of plural marriage, the godhead of Shiva, and purple Kool Aid. Amen. "
Would we say it? I couldn't help but wonder if the typo was some kind of test!
Is it bad that I'm kind of tickled at the mental image of Jesus judging a horde of the living dead? Do you suppose zombies even pay attention to the Lord of lords? They wouldn't try to eat His brains would they?! I think not--I mean, its Jesus after all. But I have to admit I don't know much about the subject. I don't watch a lot of zombie movies.
But none of this is what I've really been mulling over since the typo in our church bulletin.
In spoken language we call a mistake that reveals a hidden truth a "Freudian slip." I don't know what to call it when its written...but I sure do smell a hidden truth in this.
Because in the end, Jesus will indeed judge the living dead. He will take a good hard look at the zombies. Zombies are those people who walk through a half life, a life chained to fear and insecurity. A life of vain self-interest and trivial preoccupations. A life centered around things other than the Light.
In other words, the Living Dead aren't brain-eating movie zombies. They're much scarier. They're us.
Apart from God there is only the zombie walk of the living dead. But in Christ we have met the Way to be more than the living dead. Jesus shouts our name and calls us out of zombie life and into a fantastic eternal dance. His death kills the zombies and His resurrection creates something entirely new.
The moral of this lesson: Jesus slays zombies.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
If we combine the "best" of these with the winners of our Offensive Baby Name poll from last week, we can create some real special new monikers. For example,
This is some good work, people. Thanks for your efforts.
Now on to the mission field. You need to start trying to pass these off as legitimate names. Don't do it to real people you know, for goodness sake. The Dada Drummer doesn't advocate terrorism. I'm thinking more along the lines of some well placed on-line postings. Go!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
In fact, "banned" books in the US today actually mans "challenged" books. That is, books that some right thinking citizen felt were so offensive, dangerous, and/or evil that they ought to be removed from libraries. You know, to protect the kids.
Well, I say good for them! Someone's got to have standards.
So I've decided I'm PRO book banning!
And to celebrate banned books week, I have come up with a short list of books I would like to see banned:
Titanic: James Cameron’s Illustrated Screenplay by James Cameron
Left Behind Series by Tim F. LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins
Your Best Life Now! by Joel Osteen
The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Shamoon and Fein
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter
God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens
See I Told You So by Rush Limbaugh
It's not much, I know, but its a start. Feel free to suggest other bannable titles. Maybe we can get together and have a bbq.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
But I have encountered several names since we last spoke. Special thanks, by the way, to the reader who called me (don't ask how) to report the sighting of a badly spelled name. It was Kodi. For a girl. Sigh.
Here are the two most notable name discoveries:
No. It's not what you think. This is a baby name. The Dada Drummer heard from a neighbor of the impending arrival in her family of a new baby who will be named, that's right, Canada. It's a boy, if that matters. This choice, based I am told on the fact that little Canada's grandfather was born in the North Country, is participating in a baby trend of place names. Nursery school rosters around the USA include names like Boston, Paris, Brooklyn, China, Africa, Indiana, and Montana.
Considering the popularity of this trend and the apparent no-holds-barred attitude of Canada's parents, I would like to put forth some suggestions:
What do you think? I hesitate even to make jokes like this. They're probably on someone's short list somewhere.
The Dada Drummer knows a very nice young man who revealed the shocking information that his newly-born nephew has been named Fox. It's a memorable name, and has lots of character to be sure, but it strikes me as a lot to live up to. How can you be an insignificant Fox? Or a shy Fox? Or a geeky Fox? I hope Fox is a magnetic man when he grows up. And I hope he's not a redhead.
This name, inspired by the hero in X Files, is of the same trend as other "noun" baby names. Like Apple. I have some names that might be on the cutting edge of this fad:
Again, I worry that these might sound reasonable to some parents. Do you think its possible?
I have an idea, readers! Let's conduct a social experiment. I am going to visit the offensive baby naming forum which I've told you about and offer these names for discussion as if I plan to use them. We can see what response they get and, even more significantly, we can all try to see if they begin to show up on actual babies. You read it here first! If Tupelo, Circle, or Panda catch on it's all due to the FOXY actions of your Dada Drummer!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
The Dada Drummer is in danger of being tarred and feathered in another on-line community. I fear that the good people at the Baby Names Hold forum are not going to suffer my posts for too long.
Here's the latest.
What do you think of these name combos:
Milana Violet Pearl
Scarlett Eden Primrose
I think they sound like totally fake soap opera characters. Or, even worse, like ridiculous romance novel names. Baby naming doesn't have to be about you showing how cute or artistic you can be. "Unique" naming does not make your child a happier, more well-adjusted, or more successful human being. Good parenting does that. Being overly precious in your baby name choice just makes YOU feel special. It's selfish. Give the child a break. Let them be a person. Give them a solid name rather than your outdated creative writing project.
What do you think? Is it too much? I had written a much harsher comment originally but edited it before posting because, well, I didn't want to make Jesus sad. I really like Him.
"I don't understand," said the curious boy. "Why does Elmo always speak in the third person? Is so that little kids will understand? It's a bad idea really. Because it teaches all the wrong things."
Correct grammar terminology and social criticism all rolled up into one sage observation! The Dada Drummer has never been prouder.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
My son just named his baby girl Peytonn. It's cute with two N's.
No. It’s not. It’s stupid. With two N’s.
“MY SONS UNIQUE NAME”
LOVED THE SPELLING OF THE WELSH NAME RHIAIN, BUT WHEN I HAD A BOY I DECIDED TO ALTER THE SPELLING, HIS NAME IS RHIAN, WITH A SLASH OVER THE 'A'.ITS PRONOUNCED- 'RE-ON'. EVERYONE COMMENTS ON IT AND LOVES IT. ITS A WELSH/IRISH NAME.
Whạt t-he h’ell are yoứ talKing ạbo/ut?
“Cute Baby Names”
I want to name my kids Brayden / Braedyn / and Brylee/Brileigh / Bryleigh / So many ways to spell them.
That's what you want to do. Interesting. Well, I want to smack you for having rotten taste in baby names. But I’m going to refrain. Why don’t you do the same?
“help with boy name”
We have 2 names for a boy picked out but are unsure of how to spell them.
For a girl we have Bryn Elainna picked out.
You don’t spell them either way. Because you don’t use them. Because they’re stupid.
“is this too long of a name?”
I love the name Emiliana, which is long enough as it is, but I like it spelled as Emmaleighyanna, too long?
Oh, sweet heavenly Jesus, yes.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Stupidity wants you to be consumed with pointless preoccupations. Stupidity wants you to care about Lindsay Lohan's career. Stupidity wants to eat your soul.
This Enemy has many dark tools, among them People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, MTV, and Yahoo News. These are the pulpits of Stupid Preoccupations.
Examples? Oh, I have examples:
"Brad says he and Angelina ready for baby #5!"
"Zoo sells guerrilla's art on e-bay!"
"Fall fashions to be more tailored, boy-inspired!"
"Britney was bad at VMAs, yes, but fat?"
"David Letterman is finally on Oprah!"
"Star Jones leaves The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell joins The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell pisses of The View!"
"Rosie O'Donnell leaves The View!"
"Whoopie Goldberg joins The View!"
"Steve Jobs apologizes for I-phone price cut!"
"California carpenter OK'd by Judge to work in the nude!"
Gentle readers--these are not current events. They are not social issues. They are not news.
Their appearance on a media outlet is illustrative of the need to fill programming hours. It is not an sign of importance.
I don't want you listening to or watching this crap. Change the channel. Turn off the radio. Burn that US Weekly magazine and, for heaven's sake, cancel your subscription.
Because every time you worry if Jennifer Aniston misses Brad Pitt or wonder if K-Fed is taking good care of those two boys, the Enemy has already won.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Mission to Mars
Bram Stoker's Dracula
The Day After Tomorrow
Air Force One
Saving Private Ryan
What Lies Beneath
Scent of a Woman
This list is not exhaustive. I will continue to add to it so that you can be vigilent in your personal fight against stupid. But don't wait. Go. Start purging.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Recently, Special K agreed to have a colonoscopy for a routine screening. Even though he had no symptoms of illness, the looming reality of the procedure made Special K FREAK OUT. His biggest fear, next to any needles that might be involved, was that they would discover that he is secretly and asymptomatically "riddled with colon cancer." His words.
Well, gentle reader, Special K had his colonoscopy. Endured the needles. And got a 100% clean bill of health. His colon is a happy, disease free place. No problems at all.
Special K's response to this good news?
"Great. I probably have prostate cancer."
Friday, September 7, 2007
This is kind of like that. Only not.
These are small things which may seem insignificant but which are stupid and, when accumulated, can lead to Evil.
So if you recognize your life anywhere on this list, take heed. And stop.
*reading the LEFT BEHIND series
*walking your dog in a doggy stroller
*putting on make up while driving a car
*not voting in presidential elections
*believieng in raw food only dog diets
*owning a Hummer
* wearing your telephone as an earpiece
* putting on make up while driving your Hummer
*believing in raw food only human diets
*eating Wonder Bread
*chewing gum while taking communion at church
*trusting Fox news
*watching The Bachelor
*drinking soda with breakfast
*reading the LEFT BEHIND series while driving your Hummer
Thursday, September 6, 2007
To make it up to you, I will now provide a list of delightful naming options. There's something here for everyone, folks. Look around. Try a few on.
You feel better? Good! You can thank me later.
I know your child will.
Some of your friends aren't telling you this because they, like me, are too sweet to insult new parents who are already suffering from sleep deprivation and the looming debt of child rearing.
Others aren't telling you this because, well, their taste is as bad as yours.
But someone has got to speak up. Looks like its me.
As of today, the following names should be considered off-limits to anyone other than soap opera screen writers.
Brooklyn (or Brooke-lynn or Brooklinn or Brooke Lyn)
Jaden (or Jadan or Jad'n)
Mackenzie (no matter how you spell it)
This list is non-negotiable. Sorry.
I have ideas about what ridiculous names people need to stop giving to their babies.
I have ideas about what movies are stupid.
I have ideas about what TV shows are overrated.
I have ideas about bad parenting choices.
I have ideas about art, education, global economics, and the media.
I have a lot of ideas about God.
It's difficult for a person with so many ideas about so many things to find a means of expression which is neither belligerent nor cruel. And that matters. Because, the other thing you need to know about me is that I am sweet. Damn sweet.
So don't get your feelings hurt.
But I really need you to sit down. Shut up. And listen. This is for your own good.